No Longer a Reflection: How My Adult Children Helped Me Ditch Legalism & Embrace Freedom
When our son was getting ready to graduate from high school, I asked him which senior photos he wanted on his announcement and party invite. In an effort to let this occasion be more about him instead of me, I intentionally set myself up for not caring what he chose.
With exactly 199 photos to pick from, it shocked me how fast he chose his top three. And the one that went on the front of the announcement? Him in a bland, thrifted Nike sweatshirt with a ripped collar and stain on the front, a plain white T-shirt underneath, a backward hat, and none of his perfectly straight, expensive white teeth showing.
No contemplative look while leaning on a brick wall, no typical interlaced fingers, no buttons or collar on his shirt, no obligatory wide smile, and no evidence of a steam iron for miles.
If you know me, you know I was practically raised on top of an ironing board, so this was a step for sure. I still love wrinkle-free clothing. Big fan.
But guess what? More than pressed shirts, I loved the picture my son chose. Not because it looked like he rolled out of bed and was on his way to play basketball in the street, but because it was so him. He looked relaxed and comfortable in his own skin—content with his life, and confident in who he is in Christ.
Did it cross my mind that a bunch of older people in our lives might disapprove of this non-traditional picture? Yes. It also crossed my mind that my 18-year-old man-child is not a reflection of me anymore. He is certainly his own person with his own thoughts, beliefs, convictions, and opinions.
And sometimes they don’t match mine.
And that’s okay.
During the last week of school he wore his slippers to class, and the week before that he wore them to church. (horrors) Turns out, the coverings he chooses for his feet didn’t impact his grades and certainly did not change his love for Jesus.
Growth
I’d be thrilled to tell you that all this processing and mind-shifting happened around 2007 and I’m such a different person now. Truth is, it happened a few months ago. It was a conscientious decision to not react to his photo choice, but still hard to let it go.
The intentional choice to let my son do what he wanted to do made me a tad nervous. And if I’m being honest, the slight tug to have him look a certain way still tapped me on the shoulder. What would people say? What would they think of my parenting? Why do I care? Can you relate?
I’m still such a work in progress—still undoing the expectations and social norms that surrounded me in the 80s and 90s. Still reminding myself that all the should’s and ought-to’s don’t need to have such a grip on my psyche or take up space in my brain.
Now that I’ve had some separation from my childhood church and teenage Christian culture, I have a clearer view. I can finally admit that I toyed with, flirted with, and embraced legalism here and there.
Not intentionally, of course, but it was modeled by the evangelical church at the time. I’m not bitter about any of it. I’ve just intentionally moved away from the thoughts that sound like, “To be a good Christian you have to….”
Thank God legalism and I are no longer friends. Has the L-word ever been your friend? It’s sneaky, I know. Sometimes you don’t even know it’s there until you do some soul-reflection. I also know that deep introspection is not usually fun. But seeing growth is so encouraging. And freeing!
Questions
Here are some questions I’ve been wrestling with over the past few years. See if they resonate with you too:
If I choose to pray off and on all day long, but don’t sit down and pray for a designated amount of time, does that mean I’m praying wrong?
Okay, that was an easy one. Of course not. I know God wants to hear from me anytime day or night, and it doesn’t matter if I’m standing up, sitting down, or flying down the freeway.
Here’s another one: From the time our kids could hold a pencil and spell, I taught them to write thank-you notes. Now if they were to grow up, become adults, move away, and choose not to ever write another one for as long as they live, does that mean I didn’t do a good enough job teaching them? Does it mean they’re not good Christians? Does it mean they’re not grateful humans?
It could mean a variety of things, but at the end of the day, I need to remember that their decisions are not my decisions anymore. And if people want to judge me because of their adult actions, so be it.
Those people need to get a hobby.
Numero three: If you don’t close your eyes and bow your head during prayer, are you acting rebellious? Those two Sunday School actions make sense for kids with short attention spans and wiggly bodies. But please… if you want to look at a sunset or a flower while you’re praying, no one’s stopping you.
And if I hear another preacher or speaker say, “All eyes closed and all heads bowed” one more time, I’m probably going to raise my hand and ask why.
Haha—kidding. (sorta)
I’m grateful I didn’t grow up in the era that claimed Christians shouldn’t ever dance or go to movies. Pretty sure I wouldn’t have conformed very well. But even with that craziness gone, we can still get caught up in the minutia of inadvertently trying to play God. Legalism can end up making us feel like we’re in control. Surprise—we’re not!
If you believe you have to do certain “Christian” things a certain way in order to be saved, you’ve missed the heart of the gospel and God’s message of grace. All you have to do is believe!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to listen to music and then watch a movie.
Pray for me.
“Then Jesus turned to the Jews who had claimed to believe in him. “If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you.” John 8:31-32 (MSG)
Did you ever experience legalism growing up? How did you deal with it? Tell me in the comments and I promise to respond.
17 Comments
Alyce Donahue
Not an easy subject. I’ve had good AND BAD moments at this…ask my kids! A book I read was helpful (Doing Life w/ Your Adult Children – Keep Your Mouth Shut & the Welcome Mat Out, by Jim Burns). Realized I hadn’t spent even a minute grieving over the role change, for me. That was therapeutic!
Carrie Talbott
Yes–I love that book! I could probably read it every year or two and still get something out of it. Especially because our adult kids change as they get older and their circumstances change. Good point about grieving over the roll change. Not many people talk about this, but I bet there are a ton of parents out there who could benefit from a discussion of sorts. Thanks for your input, Alyce!
Tim Riter
Carrie, This is certainly one of your better posts! All are good, but I especially liked the need to minimize our expectations of those whom God has given free will. Gosh, guess that expands the arena! Maybe an upcoming post?
Carrie Talbott
That’s nice of you. “Expands the arena” is a great way to put it. Haha. Thanks for stopping by, Tim!
Carol Youmans
Just wait until you watch your kids become parents (if they choose that path)! Lots of lip-zipping. 🤣
Great topic and I have thought a great about it over the years. Love reading your thoughts!
Carrie Talbott
Oh gosh–I’m scared! 🙂 Just kidding. Thanks for reading, Carol, and for your kind words.
Royce Rippere
Is it legalism, or are we having jitters about releasing the reigns of parental control? If, after 18 years of my parenting, my man-child wants earrings, is he making his own choices or does he still need more of me? He has marinated in my rationale long enough to have some of his own. I need to celebrate how much he is like his mother, too – from toddlerhood, I noticed how his thinking was different from mine and I respect it.
I recently asked my 21 year-old daughter if she wanted to go clothes shopping together, to which she snarled, “I buy my own clothes.”
Are there consequences for man-children to pierce their ears? Perhaps the world will parent my young adults better than I.
Carrie Talbott
Uhhh… both? The reigns of parental control can most definitely grab you by the throat and threaten to not let go. Earrings probably feel heavy in the moment, but if you zoom out, they might not be that big of a deal in 5 years. I can certainly think of a lot worse things he could be doing at 18. I also need to remember that the human brain is not fully formed until 25. Pretty sure that’s a minimum of 25. haha. Hang in there, fellow parent of adult children. As long as we know how to love, I know we’ll stay alive. We will survive!
Jen Palo
Carrie, you had me laughing from the start! “Practically raised on an ironing board…”!! Great way to approach a sticky topic and so well-shared. I can relate about the thank you cards. It’s always been a Big priority for me in guiding my kids. I guess we will leave it with God to prompt them how to show their gratitude.
Carrie Talbott
Haha–it was true. My mom made everything look perfectly straight, flat, and beautiful. And yes, thank you notes have always been a priority. However, a friend once reminded me that the benefit of a thank you is for the giver, not the receiver. There are plenty of bible verses about being thankful, but I don’t recall any about saying “you’re welcome.” Of course, it feels good to get a thank you, but being grateful is the point. That definitely changed my perspective. Leaving it with God is a great reminder tho–thanks, Jen!
Brenda
Oh my gosh, how I can relate! Thinking back now, I want to say I let my grad chose his pics, but I’m not so sure. And the thank you notes, totally. I’m fortunate to have a husband who notices and makes clarifying suggestions to help me see how I’m “mothering” aka nagging them. It’s so hard, especially since I’m homeschooling my Junior. Transitioning to adulthood is definitely a challenge. But while they’re still under our roof, they will write thank you notes (ha!). I experienced a lot of legalism growing up in the church and going to a Christian school where I had to wear a dress and there were no dances and our cheerleaders skirts where 2 inches above the knee kind of stuff. It’s a delicate balance. Thanks for acknowledging this subject and bringing it to light! Great to see you this summer!
Carrie Talbott
Yes, I think we were raised in a similar way. It wasn’t horrific, but some parts definitely weren’t healthy!
Crazy parenting adults kids though. Kind of makes me wonder why we complained so much about just having to change diapers. That was so much easier! Haha. Thanks for your comments, Brenda. It was great to see you this summer as well!
Susan Barnes
I didn’t think I was legalistic at all until a few years ago when I read, Breaking the Bondage of Legalism by Neil Anderson. I only read it because I like the author. I was surprised by how legalistic I was. Hopefully less so now.
Carrie Talbott
I hear ya! What’s always seemed “normal” isn’t usually exposed until a book or a close friend (or an adult child) points it out. I’ve never heard of Breaking the Bondage, but thanks for the recommendation!
Carrie Talbott
Update: looks like there’s an updated version of this book on Amazon. The new title is “The Bondage Breaker.”
Mari
I would often ask myself, when tempted to nag my children about something:
“Would I say or ask that of a friend?” They become our friends as adults and I’ve never asked a friend if she wrote thank you notes or made her bed or cleaned her room. I don’t question my friends about their clothing choices or friendships or if they’re praying and reading their Bible’s enough.
That question prevented me from overparentong our grown children many times. They might say, not often enough 😆.
Carrie Talbott
Oh my gosh, I love this. I’ve heard something similar, but love the way you wrote it. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your wisdom, Mari! I’ll definitely be practicing this in the future 😊